Healed by your empathy

I stepped onto the plane hoping for nothing more than this ride to be over. I felt the familiar sense of unease as I located my seat, but found it was intensified by knowing I would not have a familiar face sitting next to me as I contemplated all the possible scenarios that could lead to my death. I saw the engine burst into flames, the wings snap off as unexpected turbulence took hold, and my body flung from my seat through the gaping hole in the side of my flying tomb. I have never flown solo before, and clearly I am not the calmest flyer at the best of times. I decided to go over my speech and try to take my mind off the situation I had put myself in.

As the longest one and a half hours of my life eventually passed, I began to realise the realness of my situation. I was entering a city I had never been before to speak to a room full of people I had mostly never met about my experiences as a recipient of a Pinnacle scholarship. I was excited, anxious, nervous, but above all, utterly thrilled. I was in Brisbane, a place I had never been and whose appeal had called to me for as long as I can remember. I was greeted with warmth as I entered its streets in search of my destination and once arrived, the warmth continued as I was met by the familiar faces of Pinnacle. Any sense of apprehension faded immediately and I began pumping myself up for the event that was about to unfold.

As I entered the room full of unfamiliar faces I took my place ready to deliver my speech. I stood next to my fellow scholar Harriet (who’s calm and collected exterior was both refreshing and intimidating) and waited for my name to be called. As Harriet finished her brilliantly moving presentation I was called to the floor and without hesitation began a verbal assault on my graciously receptive audience. My notes became irrelevant as I recounted the history of my affiliation with Pinnacle and the impact their generosity has had on my university experience. I explained the unparalleled impact my mentor has had on my introduction to University and by the end I felt as though I had had a therapeutic experience as I relived the state of bliss which had accompanied my first semester of learning. 

The reception was incredible. I was met with words of encouragement from complete strangers whose enquiring nature made me feel supported and respected. I left the event feeling even more confident in my abilities as a student and, as I explored the streets of Brisbane, knew that without the generosity of The Pinnacle Foundation I would not be the worry-free student I am right now. Pinnacles’ empathy has healed me of my self-deprecating nature and I am truly grateful.

By Steve Walker

Hospital Discriminates and Fighting Back

I go back to study next week. Unfortunately I haven’t had my hysterectomy yet, despite being on the public waiting list for over 90 days. My abnormal medical condition has gotten worse over the last year. It was irregular heavy bleeding and when I say irregular I mean it could be bleeding weekly to every few months ranging from a few hours of bleeding to even 3 months of constant bleeding.

That is still happening except the bleeding has become heavier over time. This year I am now getting severe abdominal pain which has required several emergency department admissions and strong prescription medication such as panadine forte and endone. I don’t like these medications as they make me confused, dizzy and sleepy which interferes with daily activities that I need to concentrate on as well as have balance for activities such as study, driving and going to the gym.

There is not only the physical pain that I have been through but also emotional torment by being a man with such a humiliating medical condition involving female reproductive organs. It has been very embarrassing having to out myself as trans* in such a way in emergency departments in front of confused triage nurses and members of the general public listening in.

The good news is that I am on the waiting list to have a hysterectomy done publically to fix my pain and bleeding. I am also perusing my options into suing a hospital who refused to help me because I have transitioned from female to male (which I have in writing).

My doctor who has exhausted all non-surgical options to treat my condition for over five years was furious that his medical recommendations were ignored by a senior management who haven’t even met me and refuse to name themselves. He was shocked that the senior management went against the medical professionals who recommended this procedure and that they are fine with letting me suffer in pain and lose large amounts of blood just because I am transsexual.

The fact that I have legal options means not only a lot to me but also to the trans* and trans ally community. In fighting back against this hospital we are saying that discrimination is no excuse to refuse medical treatment. I want them to know that there are costly consequences for discrimination in hope that policy will change so this does not happen to others. We are standing up for ourselves and refusing to be oppressed.

Are you an openly gay adult?

Are you an openly gay adult? Do you have a career, a family, good friends? I want to know, how did you get it?

So many gay LGBTI youth can’t imagine their lives as openly gay adults. They just can’t envision a time when they are in a career they enjoy. They don’t believe they will ever experience friends and family who accept them as they are. They can’t imagine a future for themselves.

How did you ensure you had a future? How did you do it?

Did you know that gay and lesbian youth are 2 to 3 times more likely to attempt suicide then heterosexual youth? Are you aware that 50% of lesbian and gay youth report parental rejection due to their sexual orientation? Did you know that 80% of LGBTI youth report severe emotional and social isolation? That they experience a depression that is 4-5 times more severe then their heterosexual peers?

Tell me, you - who got the job you wanted, a job you love, how did you do it? How did you get to that place where I want to be? Were you that one in four LGBTI youths that became homeless once they came out? Did you experience isolation, depression or anxiety? Did you have family who was ashamed of you, friends who were embarrassed by you? How did you GET to that point, where you are right now? How did you do it?

Did you have someone to give you support, was there anyone who made you believe you could get to the point you are now at? Did anyone give you hope? Was there someone in your orbit that made you realise that a future was actually possible?

The Pinnacle Foundation gave me my hope. They gave me the first glimpse of my future I had seen in a very long time. They know that not having a visible LGBTI role model can severely increase feelings of isolation and emotional distress in young LGBTI people. They know that sometimes we need to see a real life example of how it gets better. Bob Paris once said:

Every gay and lesbian person who has been lucky enough to survive the turmoil of growing up is a survivor. Survivors always have an obligation to those who will face the same challenges.” You might not think you’d make much of a mentor. But if you an openly gay adult, who has a family who loves them, good friends and a job - you can help some one just by doing what you do already. Just placing yourself in the orbit of a young LGBTI can go a long way. You are a living example of how it really does get better, so please - contact Pinnacle to become a mentor. I guarantee that you will brighten someone’s future.

By Ashleigh Scriven

Being published as an undergrad: The fast track to academia

As a gay teenager, growing up in regional Western Australia was not easy. It meant that my only resource, my only connection to the wider LGBTI community was though my local public library. Because of this, as a librarian, I am passionate about providing services for the LGBTI community though libraries. 

So I started writing short stories and essays, which I sent to magazines, and would occasionally get published. This turned into Tweeting, and blogging, and eventually, writing academic papers. Right now, I have two papers in the works. The first is being published in Gay and lesbian issues and psychology , the second is to be presented at the International Conference for the Future of LGBTI Histories in Archives, Libraries, Museums and Special Collections. 

This is almost unheard of for an undergraduate. As partner put it, “being published as an undergrad is the fast-track to academia”. But you know what? I am not interested. As much as I love promoting a form of inclusiveness that is often overlooked in libraries, it isn’t what I want to do full time. At least, not within academic circles.

I am currently the Library Assistant at Family Planning WA Sexual Health Library, and I love it. Today, I sent 100 condoms to a remote indigenous community, to be distributed to teenagers that probably couldn’t afford condoms, even if they could find somewhere to buy them. Last week, I referred a friend of a friend to our People 1st Program, which provides sexual health education to people with intellectual disabilities. Last month, I spent the afternoon unpacking newly arrived pink rubber dildos, which we repackage and sell to schools as “condom demonstrators”. 

I am changing lives, both within the LGBTI community, and other high-risk demographics of our community. And nothing can beat the feeling it gives me when a 50 year old woman comes in to tell me that a book I recommended helped her achieve her first ever orgasm.

By Suzie Day

Day One

As I begin to look forward to starting the second semester of my first year at Uni I am filled with feelings of excitement and anticipation. It makes me look back to the beginning of the year when I had my first ever class after not studying for something like 6 years. I was an emotional wreck. If only I knew then, what I know now…

University Day 1, February 2012:
I walk into possibly the most frightening area I have ever stepped foot, an area so richly drenched in the scent of academia that I can hardly breathe. I couldn’t feel more out of place. I move awkwardly amongst the crowd trying not to be noticed, desperately avoiding anyone who looks as though they might disrupt my strategically planned route to my first ever University tutorial. This environment is so foreign yet at the same time appears strangely familiar. It has aspects which remind me of high school and for a second I feel as though I have reverted to my high school self. I clutch my shoulder bag as if it were my life force, or my safety blanket. My only objective is survival, if I last the distance from the entrance gate to my classroom I will consider it my first achievement. The first of many I hope. 

As I dash in and out of the crowd with a panicked expression I suddenly realise how ridiculous I must look and try to steady myself. It doesn’t work and I somehow manage to make things worse by cutting off other students whose irritation is vividly stretched across their faces. I spot the nearest open space and move towards it, as I try to regain my composure I notice a sign outside a building that reads, “Electrical Engineering.” HOORAY! This is exactly the building which houses the classroom for my first tutorial. I can’t believe my luck! By my (obviously ill-informed) calculations I shouldn’t be anywhere near here. Most would call it coincidence, but I’m going with intuition! Maybe I’m not such a fish out of water after all. As I scour the halls searching for my assigned room I begin to feel my anxieties rise once again, “What if nobody likes me? What if it’s all too much for me?” I find my room and enter it with apprehension only to be met with smiling faces and a polite “Welcome” from my tutor. I realise immediately how silly I’ve been and find a chair to call my own. As my neighbour engages me in conversation I start to feel a new sense of pride rise from within me. It comes from the depths of my soul and engulfs me with such force I can hardly contain it. I’ve made it to the beginning of my future and I can’t wait to get started.

By Steven Walker

Turning things around

Hi Ashleigh,

Tony & I have just finished marking the exams. During this process, we also keep track of students whose answers are particularly good. You’re one of these students. Your overall result was strong, but we just wanted you to know that the quality that impressed us most was your sensible approach to the scenarios.

Tony & I are looking forward to being involved in your education next Semester. We want to hear your voice in the Tutorials as well – your knowledge base shows you certainly have some useful information for your peers. Speak up!

Great work. Keep it up.

Regards

Cam, and on behalf of Tony.

- - -

Above is an email from my lecturers at uni, sent last Friday. When I got it I cried.

I will never, ever forget that moment.

Last year Cam and Tony would not have known I existed. They wouldn't have seen me during lectures, because I was at work during most of them. They wouldn't have noticed my marks, because I was barely scraping by. They wouldn't have noticed me in tutorials, because I was always running late from work and leaving early to go back to work, and spent the time in class staying as small and as quiet as possible, while desperately trying to catch up on what I had missed that week.

This email was sent to several other students. They will file it away with all the other encouragement they have ever received from their lecturers, parents and families. For me, it is stuck on my bathroom mirror, because it is the first time since I have started my degree that I have felt hopeful. It is the first time I have real hope that I might actually finish my degree.

Every single day I have struggled to stay with my education. Life has felt like a catch 22 – If you want to study at uni you need the money to buy books and pay rent and food and go to the doctors and just live, so you work a lot but when you work a lot you don't have time to go to uni or study for uni, so your grades begin to fail and it looks like you might not pass your courses, so you cut back your hours and fit some more study in, but then its harder to make rent so you get stressed and the fear of living on the streets forces you back to work everyday and you tell yourself that the basic essentials are shelter food and water and that education can come later, except that education is the way out of poverty, and you learnt that at uni, so you should just try try try to get this degree and don't give up just yet, just get through one more semester and it won't last forever and one day you will graduate.

Thanks to Pinnacle, that 'one day' is looking a lot more possible today, then it was a year ago. Why don't you better your odds? Put yourself in a better position. Make a Choice, to apply for a scholarship. Take a Chance that it might get accepted. Take the steps to Change your situation. Apply for a Pinnacle Scholarship today.

By Ashleigh Scriven

Breaking Family Traditions and Excelling

The semester is almost over and I’ve almost finished my assignment on ‘The Modern Nation State’. Although it may seem like a dry topic, I’m surprised how much I have personally learned from this assignment and how far my education has come. We had to read many academic texts with some about tradition to do this assignment, and it taught me a lot about my family and upbringing. My grandfather is very old fashioned German man. He is very controlling and the family treats him like a god. In this assignment, I learned about the ‘web of belief’ where figures that view themselves as authority or are born into it, get away with having their authority rarely if ever questioned.

This helped me to understand why he had such a problem with me. He assumed that I would drop out of high school and become pregnant at 16 and be on the pension just like my mother. I completely rebelled against him and became the opposite which was naturally who I am. I completed my year 12 VCE even while living in a refuge and have never even had sex with a man because I have never been attracted to them! Also as I identify as a man, I have never had any desire to ever carry a baby and am also on the waiting list to have a hysterectomy in the next month or so for health concerns.

He told me I would never go to university and I would never have a laptop because those things were for rich and smart people. While I am no where near rich, I am the only person in my family to pass year 12 VCE and go on to do a diploma. I am also getting an average of distinctions and next year will start my Bachelor of Psychology. I also have my very first laptop thanks to the Pinnacle Foundation and have completely smashed all of my grandfather’s wrong assumptions of me.

In being who I am, it gives hope to others who come from low incomes and uneducated controlling families. I hope that one day; my younger siblings will break free of these destructive traditional patterns and become all they can. I am proof that others can rebel against families who assume low of them and reach their full potential in not only their education but also in life.

Four months after chest operation & closer to the man I identify as.

By Anonymous

My reality check on Youth Work

When I first started Youth Work I use to think I knew it all and that it was simple. I thought I was going to be a female Dr Phil or something like that and ‘save’ people. I was so wrong. I have come to realise that things are a lot more complex and my values are going to be constantly challenged. Believe me some of the young people I have been working have pin pointed every single one of my values and picked them apart.

I use to be a strong believer in the metaphor ‘Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish, and he will eat for life.’ Now I realise there is more to empowering young people than that alone. Let’s consider: How do you know if they know how to fish or not? Maybe they know how to fish but they just need a rod? Do they even like fish? Perhaps they know a better fishing spot or a different technique? We should utilise our young people because they are the experts in what they want, need and how they feel.

Everyone has baggage and the baggage we come with may hinder our practice. You may think you understand the problem however your experience is not their experience. I remember when someone once said “If I can do it anyone can” I was sitting there thinking to myself “I’m glad I’m your client.” You may think you know the solution however personal experience may blind you from the bigger picture. Are we really helping this person? Or are we imposing on them?

When attempting to offer solutions or advice to ‘help’ someone be mindful that it does not compromise their network of relationships or conflict with their culture or values. This would often fail no matter how attractive or sensible they may seem. For example suggesting to someone to stop their substance use to improve their health, however this could mean that a person could lose their entire social network and may not know what to do with the extra spare time due to no longer using or scoring drugs. Therefore it is important to understand other’s world views. Who they are? How do they see they see the world and their place in it?

Sometimes the more I know, the more questions start to arise. You can never know it all. Youth Work is a journey that does not end and you need to keep on reflecting because nothing is simple or easy. Looking back now I am shocked at how much I have grown both as a person and a worker.

By Laura Partington

Breathe Through Your Nose

Imagine. You’re perfectly healthy. You have your good days and bad days, like most people. Only thing is, your bad days are far worse and far more frequent than most people. Sometimes things get so bad that you can barely breathe. It affects your quality of life. The worst part is that your illness is not easy to talk about. You don’t (usually) look sick.

Sometimes it strikes you in public. You’re having a bad day, something sets you off and one thing leads to another. The next minute you’re in a foetal position struggling to remember the breathing exercises your Psychiatrist taught you. Something about breathing through your nose. You’re crying and you’re not entirely sure why. Your chest feels ready to explode. If you survive this you might make it to work/uni/the party on time, right now you don’t care. You just want the world to stop for a minute so you can catch your breath.

I learned when I was diagnosed with this Anxiety Disorder that people can be cruel. They’ll sympathize with the kid who broke his leg or the girl who has severe diabetes. But when it comes to mental illness it’s out of sight out of mind. Don’t talk about it or you will suffer both the illness and peoples’ reactions to it, and stigma hurts. If people ask you why you’ve gained weight or vomit a lot or miss days off school or work, tell them you’ve got a virus. Don’t explain. They don’t want to know that your medication makes you ill or your anxiety is so bad that you can barely get out of bed, let alone leave the house. You’ll have a lot of viruses as a result.

They do care about you. But mental illness scares them, in part because they can’t see obvious physical signs of it. Seeing is believing in Western culture and as a result mental illness isn’t seen as real, except when you self-harm or your physical health suffers.

Well, after a decade of this, I’m pretty tired. Being tired at the age of 19 is not fun. I’ve been sick, made myself sick, missed school, failed classes, been physically and verbally assaulted, self-harmed, have scars, survived suicidal episodes, bad medication side effects (some of which are too graphic to write about here), last year I lived through the suicide of a family member, despair and the constant question: ‘when do I get better?’

I decided on my 18th birthday I wasn’t going to uphold the status quo by being quiet about my Anxiety Disorder. It wouldn’t be fair to me or the other people I know with mental illnesses, many of whom are LGBT. I’d like to think that honesty is the best policy and that it might help someone, somewhere. I know it helps me.

I’m not going to lie to you: I still struggle. I’m not depressed any more but the anxiety remains. There are days when I would rather eat my shoes than put them on and leave the house. Days like those I breathe deeply and remember that my phone has a lot of numbers in it. I can press a button and instantly be connected to someone who will listen. Honesty has allowed me to connect with people who can both support me and need my support. I feel loved.

I know that I am a strong, resilient person and that my struggle to get healthy is not in vain. I also know that mental health problems are extremely common amongst gay, lesbian, queer and trans* people. If we break the silence and support each other more, we can only get stronger as a community. And I know I love my community.

By Isobel Connell

Are your internet filters anti-gay?

Everyone has their own opinions regarding internet censorship. Whether it be nation-wide, at the office or school, or even in home, restricting access to information is a big deal.

In Australia, many schools don’t cover issues specific to youth with diverse gender and sexuality. Things like safer-sex is brushed over, or ignored completely. It is because of this that many young people at turning to the internet to get the kind of education their straight peers receive as a matter of course. For some, their home computer is fine. For others, their online privacy at home may be compromised for a number of reasons (shared computer, parental filters, public location). For many, their library computer is the next step.

Removing this access has a number of negative results. This can mean that our youth are prevented from connecting with the wider LGBTQ community, or finding out where else they can access information or support services. It can also be dangerous when such filters block information regarding safe sex. Perhaps most importantly, allowing these filters to block any reference to sexuality reinforces to vulnerable youth an idea that they are second class or abnormal, which is highly damaging to self-esteem and mental health.

Earlier this year, a high school in Missouri, USA, was busted for having internet filters which allowed students access to plenty of anti-gay content, while blocking websites which provided a positive or supportive view [ http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/26/education/missouri-school-district-questioned-over-anti-gay-web-filter.html?_r=1 ]. This is not uncommon. All too often, websites like Exodus International is classified as ‘religious’ content, but pro-gay websites are listed as containing information of a sexual nature.

This form of discrimination is particularly difficult to spot, as users need to actively seek such information to discover its absence, rather than it being spotted in passing. But it exists, and everyone should be aware of the dangers of both free and commercial internet filter.

Want to see just how biased your internet filters are? Take a look at these links, and see just how many from either end of the spectrum have been blocked at your school, work and home.

Anti-gay websites

Exodus International [www.exodusinternational.org ]

People Can Change [ www.peoplecanchange.com ]

Living Waters Ministries [ http://livingwatersaustralia.org/ ]  -Promotes and provides “conversion therapy”

Bowers v. Hardwick [ http://www.law.cornell.edu/supct/html/historics/USSC_CR_0478_0186_ZS.html ] - A 1986 Supreme Court ruling that upheld a Georgia statute criminalizing sodomy

Westboro Baptist Church [ www.godhatesfags.com]

Klu Klux Klan [ www.kkk.com] -Notorious American hate-groups

Positive LGBTQ websites
Human Rights Campaign [http://www.hrc.org]

Equal Love [ www.equallove.info ] -Campaigns for marriage equality

GLSEN [ http://www.glsen.org ] -Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network

LAWRENCE et al. v. TEXAS [ http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/scripts/getcase.pl?court=us&vol=000&invol=02-102 ] - The 2003 Supreme Court ruling that held that laws in the US criminalizing sodomy were unconstitutional

Whosoever [http://www.whosoever.org ] - An online magazine for LGBTQ Christians

By Suzie Day

The Distraction Monster

I made a promise with myself at the beginning of my university study. Not to procrastinate. At the time I thought it was a reasonable decision to make, I thought I had grown out of the habit which I had so brilliantly perfected during my high school years. No one elected to tell me that university, aside from introducing a whole host of nasty essays into my life, unleashes a demon of unimaginable evil whose very existence is for the sole purpose of providing distractions, and illuminating otherwise uninteresting things. I’ve called this demon the Distraction Monster. Why had nobody given me the heads up about this guy? I have close friends who have completed university, yet none of them warned me! I think it is a massive oversight on their part, and makes me reconsider the closeness of our friendship. I mean imagine my surprise when I am seconds away from understanding the ins and outs of Marxism, and completely out of the blue I have an overwhelming urge to clean the barbeque… A barbeque I’ve not used in 6 months, let alone thought about cleaning. It doesn’t make any sense and can only be explained as the work of the Distraction Monster. It seems to me that people are either frightened of this monster, or enjoy his company. How else can you explain such widespread silence about his existence? Now I am certainly not frightened of this particular monster, but I may be able to explain why he is possibly welcomed on occasion.

My most recent encounter with the Distraction Monster was over the last weekend. I had two essays due and very little time to do them. I was a little anxious and ready to get them out of the way so I could relax and enter end-of-semester holidays as quickly as possible. I had sourced all of my readings and was just about to enter the study zone… and something happened. I can’t recall whether it was the colours, or the familiar voices, but I knew something about my environment had changed. I felt an incredible sense of excitement, a feeling of unparalleled bliss which could only come from one source… EUROVISION! I had completely forgotten it was happening, but knew there was no turning back now. The Distraction Monster had won, he knew my weakness and was only happy to remind me of it. Whatever chance I had of getting any work done was now completely out the window, but if I’m truly honest, I think I may forgive the monster on this occasion. It is Eurovision after all. 

By Steve Walker

To apply or not to apply

When I was completing my application for the Pinnacle scholarship, I gave up at least four times. And when I mean I gave up, I mean gave up emphatically. Throwing the papers away, crying in frustration, deleting the whole thing, emphatically. 

The first time, it was because I had convinced myself that if I just gave myself another 6 months, I could save up the money to buy a laptop myself. I told myself to get over it, get more hours at work and work harder. I told myself that I was taking the easy way out, asking for a handout. My partner slammed that excuse down in a matter of hours, bringing home the fine point that we had already spent one year attempting to make do using the same laptop, and that the very reason I was applying for the scholarship was because it was a large expense that I needed to use DURING my university course.( She was right, it would have taken me probably the whole duration of my course to save up for the one I eventually got from Pinnacle.)

The second emphatic binning of the application came a few weeks later, after agonising over the section of academic achievement. This section forced me to look at what i had been capable of in the past, and really hit home that since the absence of financial and emotion support from a maternal and paternal point of view, I had struggled. This realisation sent me into a spin of hopelessness, having stupidly talked myself into believing I was on a downhill slide into nothingness. Again, my partner put the brakes on that track, using the brilliant logic that THIS IS WHY YOU ARE APPLYING FOR THE BLOODY SCHOLARSHIP IN THE FIRST PLACE. (She was right, the Pinnacle foundation looks for determination, resourcefulness, and potential. The reason they exist is to give a leg up to students who desperately want an education, but are struggling to complete it. Sometimes the circumstances you may find yourself in don't allow academic achievement RIGHT NOW, but that certainly doesn't mean you haven't had academic achievement in the past, or that you won't in the future, especially with some assistance.)

The third tantrum ensued when I came to the section of Personal and/or social circumstances which present significant challenges to undertaking and completing education. After a long period of writers block ( or possibly just plain avoidance) , this section rocked me from top to bottom, and forced me to think about and put into words a period of my life I try my hardest to block out and not deal with.

Pinnacle scholars may seek this scholarship for many different reasons. It can be anything from needing some educational support, or because the university you need to go to means moving away from your loving family into a new and unfamiliar location. It could be because your family doesn't want to provide financial or emotional support, or because your family just can't provide financial support to cover the textbooks this year. It could be because you could do with some guidance and advice form someone in the career you hope to be in one day, or because you want to undertake a conference that could significantly enhance your career opportunities. It could be because you have personal hurdles in front of you, emotional hurdles behind you, or social hurdles underfoot. If the challenge to your education is hard to talk about, push through, because while it may be hard to write, the people that read it are understanding and unfortunately familiar with the large variety of challenges which face young LGBTI.

Before the fourth giving up episode, I did have one minor tantrum regarding the references, in which I deplored I couldn't find any. Or rather, couldn't find anyone I willingly wanted to have to explain my situation to. This excuse for why my application was yet again deleted, was combatted with :You won't find anyone if you don't ask. (Upon putting my stubbornness aside and explaining why I needed some help from a former school teacher, he has since become a fixture in my life, and provides stability and advice for anything from university courses to rental queries. If I hadn't checked my pride and asked for help, I would have missed out on having this person in my life. If people don't know you are struggling, they can't help you.)

The fourth and final tantrum was once I had finally completed the application, and my emphatic excuses had dwindled into a sorry-looking, dejected one: Whats the point, it won't be accepted anyway. I applied in November 2011. I am now a proud 2012 Pinnacle scholar, and have been granted a brand new laptop, four brand new, beautiful textbooks and a host of other educational costs. Pinnacle also arranged a mentor for me, from the profession I one day hope to be employed in, who is unrestricted and extremely generous in her advice and assistance.

There are likely many reasons which your mind will talk you into believing are very good reasons why you shouldn't waste your time applying for this scholarship, and whether the reason is shame, embarrassment, pride, the thought of getting your hopes up for nothing, stubbornness, or just a negative outlook it makes no difference. The one reason why you SHOULD put in an application, and the one that outweighs all the reasons why not, is because you have nothing to lose, and more importantly, you have everything to gain.


Ashleigh Scriven



To download an application, go to the Pinnacle Scholarships Page.

Start getting it together, the sooner the better. Applications for 2013 study close : 15 October 2012

Post-Equal Marriage

Equal marriage has become one of the most topical issues facing our country today – and rightly so. Very rarely does another topic touch the very constitutions of our society and its beliefs regarding equality, justice and dignity.

I would be one of the first to readily admit that I await my Mr Darcy to come along and sweep me off my feet right into the nearest chapel. But tight now, such a dream is not available to me. On the current state of the law, some people are denied the opportunity to celebrate their commitment publicly, not for want of love and affection, fidelity and devotion, but because some other people have said that they shall not. It is, in some bitter irony, truly a struggle between pride and prejudice.

The marriage equality movement is important for two reasons. Directly, it is a movement that aims to secure a civil right. Indirectly it engenders in our society a certain type of discourse where justice and equality take the spotlight.

Justice is an idea. An idea, like a seed, can grow into something big, something strong and powerful. As a seed grows into a tree it bears fruit for all enjoy. So too the labours of civil libertarians will benefit society as a whole. But the seed needs fertile soil, it must be watered and tended to. Same then for ideas - they are mute without their advocates. Our liberal democratic society is fertile soil for justice. If we persevere in our cause, justice will yield the fruit of equality.

This is the hope upon which I ride when I support equal marriage. But at the same time, I am conscious not to lose sight of the battles ahead. We should remember the energy that we gave for our cause, because that is the same energy that we should give to any other cause to advance the welfare of our fellow Australians. Remember especially the energy that our friends and our families gave to supporting our cause, because we should fight for their cause with the same dedication of theirs to ours.

We should keep in mind demographics like youth, Indigenous Australians, immigrants, the elderly, and all those who are on the margins of society. Why should they not enjoy the fruits of equality alongside us and all other Australians? Indeed there are not an insignificant number of us in the LGBT community who fall into one or more of those above demographics. If we stand for diversity, then we should embrace its every facet. Prejudice must necessarily be defeated before we can embrace pride in diversity.

To this end we should recognise that equal marriage is only one facet of discrimination in our society. There is an old adage that there is no rest for the wicked. We must be vigilant against mischief and social injustice. Until the last Australian can walk proudly with their head held high and free from prejudice, we too cannot rest.

My Trans Man Journey

*Note: this blog contains a post-surgery photo*

Let me take this opportunity to introduce myself. I’m 21 years old and a peer support worker in the mental health sector. There is no career that I want to do other than to be a psychologist. I find mental health interesting and I want to do all that I can to help others. I’m also a male who was born female bodied. Since starting testosterone a couple of years ago, people I meet would never guess that I wasn’t born male bodied.

I was awarded a Pinnacle scholarship in late 2011. It couldn’t have come at a better time. At that point in my life, I was saving every bit of money that I could for my chest corrective surgery. I dreaded puberty since I first heard about what was going to happen to my body. I cringed at the thought of bleeding monthly and was terrified that my chest would grow into something that wasn’t me. I convinced myself that it wouldn’t happen because it wasn’t supposed to. But unfortunately my body betrayed me.

I used to wear 3 t shirts, a jumper and a jacket to hide my chest. I was so ashamed of it. Then when I heard about binders (which are garments that compress the chest really tight), I got one. It made my chest flat and I was less ashamed of it. But when I started taking testosterone, my voice broke and I started growing lots of body hair. It felt even more like my chest didn’t belong even when binding. Binding was very painful and I felt jealous that I couldn’t take my shirt off at the beach like every other guy could.

It all built up on me and I needed to have my chest corrected. I looked at my options. I didn’t have $7,000 to pay for the surgery and I didn’t have a job or any family support. My only option was to get health insurance, wait the compulsory year on it which I thought would be enough time to save up a few thousand dollars to pay for the surgery. The wait and having no money was unbearable. I become very depressed but I pushed through because I kept imagining how great it would feel to have the right chest. It ended up costing a total of $4,140. I realised that I wouldn’t be able to come up with the money in time for payment so I held a fundraiser and I ended coming up with the money through that and donations from friends.

The surgery was a complete success and the surgeon said it couldn’t have gone better. It was such a relief to hear that all the time I spent in the gym preparing my body for it and all the time I spent broke worked out. When I saw my chest for the first time, I hadn’t smiled that big in a long time.

Empowering People

I first fell in love with the cause of empowerment back in 2010 when I was 17 and, having just graduated school, spent a good portion of my gap year volunteering at a school in Nepal. I lived in a house on the outskirts of Kathmandu with 12 girls from all around the world. To tackle the mammoth task of feeding us all, my host family had hired a maid; Fulmaija, who was just 16, didn’t speak a word of English, and was being paid 6000 rupees ($75) a month.

As my Nepali began to improve, and Fulmaija started to pick up on the English which was constantly being spoken around her, we began to communicate. Soon, all of us in the house were great friends with Fulmaija, relishing in her cheeky company. We used to dress her up in our old clothes we had brought over, and laughed as she had her first taste of vegemite. Fulmaija was incredibly intelligent, and I have no doubt that had her family decided to keep her in school, she would have gone on to do phenomenal things as an educated woman.

Towards the end of our time together, Fulmaija began to recieve frequent calls from a strange man offering her highly paid ‘maid work’ in India, until one day, she disappeared, never to be seen by us again. What I have learned since then, is that Fulmaija is almost certainly being forced to engage in sex work in the brothels of India, like thousands of other young Nepali girls her age each year. The rate of HIV infection is high, as is suicide and unwanted pregnancy amongst these girls.

As Fulmaija’s likely fate sunk in, I began to think about how any society could place so little value on women that things like this were just allowed to happen…

When I say “began to think”, I began to think a lot. Then I began to research. A lot. What I found, was that many of the developing world’s problems are, so some degree, a result of gender inequality. If we could just find a way to empower women, stories like Fulmaija’s wouldn’t exist to be told.

Opportunities for empowerment are everywhere. If we lived in a world where young gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex and queer people could all feel empowered by their sexualities right from the get go, we would greatly eliminate the appalling rates of depression, suicide and alienation experienced by members of our community.

Right now, I’m studying a Bachelor of Justice at Queensland University of Technology, due to be completed in the middle next year. What I love most about my degree is that almost every unit is looking at ways to empower those who are disadvantaged. Hopefully, I’ll go from this on to do my honours year looking at human trafficking intervention practices, and then maybe a PhD after that.

For the moment, Pinnacle is empowering me to make this happen. I can’t begin to describe how wonderful it feels to have the support of the Foundation behind me. To start this semester not worrying about how I was going to find the extra money for textbooks, or how I was going to manage to nab one of the university’s highly elusive shared PC’s to work on during the day was an enormous relief. More exciting that this though, is knowing that I am part of a generation of GLBTIQ young people who Pinnacle will continue to empower.

By Harriet Horsfall

Where I am at now

Looking back at about seven months ago, it is more than clear that receiving a Pinnacle Scholarship has turned my life around. Seven months ago I had absolutely no idea I would end up studying Youth Work and Alcohol & Other Drugs at RMIT University, and have an amazing mentor. At that time I was experiencing accommodation instability and started to not believe in myself. I began thinking about giving up on my hopes and dreams and re-prioritising my goals.

Receiving a Pinnacle Scholarship means more to me than the financial assistance with course fees and materials. Don’t get me wrong, it has saved me from great financial stress and provided me with relief; however it is the fact that someone saw something in me and believed in me that made me feel that there is hope. So I decided then I was not going to give up that easy.

Now I’m doing well in my courses and have an awesome placement working with a very diverse and creative group of same-sex attracted young people. I love this placement so much it does not feel like work at all. My partner sometimes gets a bit annoyed that I do not spend a lot of time at home due to classes and placement commitments, but she knows that in the end it would be all worth it and she sees that I am happy.

My mentor Lauren is an incredible lady. I honestly could not have asked for a better mentor. She simply ROCKS! Lauren has done so much for me in the past few months. Not only does she assist me with my assignments and finding placement opportunities, she also took me to my first professional development conference about mental health and social media. This challenged me a little because I have never been around so many professionals before. I’m glad she did take me because shortly after that my placement supervisor out of the blue asked me to attend the Hume City Council’s launch of their Youth Counselling Service on his behalf. I was more confident with meeting other professionals and networking with them.

Lauren has also helped me solve my first ethical dilemmas as a Youth Worker such as: boundaries and being torn between being a friend and a worker. I’m extremely lucky to have Lauren as my mentor. She is kind, hilarious and great to talk. I hope to stay in touch with her after the mentorship. I could go on for ages about the awesomeness of Lauren but I guess you get the idea that she is my idol, so I will stop here.

Being a Pinnacle Scholar is a great honour and privilege. It changed the way I perceived my life. When I officially start working in the community services sector I would not hesitate in recommending the Pinnacle Foundation to my future clients to help them achieve their full potential and get them where they would like to go in life.

By Laura Partington

Pen and Paper Preferred

I guess I’m a little old school in regards to writing. I hate to draft anything using a computer. I think a pen and paper let me keep a certain degree of personality in my writing by allowing me to structure it exactly as I please, without margins, double-spacing, and colourful lines under certain words just to prove my incompetence when it comes to spelling. I also can’t go past the satisfaction of obliterating, through paper-shredding scribble, that sentence which I decided wasn’t going to gel with the rest of my essay.

I certainly have a passion for writing, not to be confused with writing flair. I make no claims to be a brilliant writer, I’m mediocre at best, but I have found immense value in the sense of escapism that comes with constructing a piece of text on a subject I’m passionate about. I have certainly found this feeling of passion with the recent completion of my first essay in almost six years! It was on the subject of aged care for gay man and lesbians. A subject I am particularly interested in, having worked and volunteered in ageing and disability support services. I found particular satisfaction in criticising an area that I work in which is only now beginning to recognise the specific needs of a minority so often overlooked. I was so incredibly unaware that the services I may need to utilise one day are almost non-existent. Now I am not trying to illuminate this issue just because I’ve been given the platform to do so, I am simply trying to illustrate the ease with which I have been able to fully immerse myself in this particular writing assignment thanks almost solely to the assistance provided by the Pinnacle Foundation. I am not under any stresses to find funding or support for my university life. My writing process was completely absent of any distractions and I was able to put all of myself into the task at hand.

Although I have had a constant stream of assignments since beginning my studies, I am relatively relaxed in my approach to them and I have Pinnacle to thank. 

By Steven Walker

Expectations can be a dangerous thing

For my first blog post, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Nathan Li. I’m 6’0” and 154 lbs. I’m a 21 years old undergraduate Arts/Law student at Sydney University. Oh and I’m gay.

But you expected that right?

Expectations. We all know what that word means. Semantically at least. At Christmas we expect presents. When our pet goldfish dies we’re expected to be sad. When a lady is pregnant, she is said to be expecting. Expectations mean that something is supposed to be.

But expectations mean something quite different in the context of a person’s identity. Expectations may start to become a form of prejudice, especially in the form of “oh but you’re supposed to…” conform to some expectation of theirs.

Luckily (perhaps), I escape with little more than accusations about a gay man’s sexual promiscuity. I now take in good humour when a straight guy assumes that I “I want a piece of [him]”. He’s not homophobic! (says he). After all, he shows his tolerance by allowing me to “look, but don’t touch”. How awfully generous. But there are those in our LGBT community who are confronted with much more offensive expectations about their sexual or gender identities.

And these expectations confront LGBT youth from a very early age. As a child we’re expected to be a good boy or a good girl. Maybe we’re expected to play sport (I was expected to learn maths and play the piano, neither of which I accomplished). Later we are told we’re expected to bring home a nice person of the opposite sex for our parents’ approval before we marry him or her so that we can bear grandchildren for our ageing mother. And we risk disappointing those expectations. Well, I’ve disappointed my mother on three accounts already. I only hope that she’ll realise I won’t necessarily disappoint her on the fourth!

So I might have been blessed with some miraculous confidence in my identity (or more likely, some extraordinary rebelliousness!) to resist being moulded into a Stepford son. The unfortunate truth is that not every young LGBT person can claim to be so lucky. I don’t pretend to have extensive knowledge in psychology but one only needs to possess common experience to know that these expectations can confine and inhibit the development of a person’s identity.

But why do I make such a big deal about expectations?

The foremost reason is because I believe the world would be a better place if we started expecting the best in everybody instead of expecting others to conform to what we think should be.

The second reason is because I reckon we’re a diverse bunch (the Pinnacle scholars and the rest of the LGBT community). So I’m looking forward to learning from my fellow scholars and finding out from them new ways of seeing the world. Expect from us the unexpected!

Anyway I’ve taken enough of your time. I’ll sign off now and leave you to have a wonderful weekend.

How Pinnacle helped me build my library

I had to leave home for uni, because my family home was in Kalgoorlie, more than 600km from Curtin University, in Perth. Having wanted to be a librarian since a small child, where I studied was non-negotiable, so I was always expecting to need to leave home. However, as I spent my gap year using up my savings in Europe as a Rotary Exchange Student, I had nothing left when I eventually moved to the big bad city, to start my new life. My parents have always been low income earners, and could barely support me. It was because of this I started applying for every scholarship I could lay my eyes on.

Among them was the Pinnacle Foundation. I applied for enough funds for a new computer, textbooks, and software. I cannot say how relieved I was. I knew this scholarship was going to help me get through uni, I didn’t realise it was going to change my life.

The first thing that happened was my new laptop. The computer I had purchased back in high school was on its last legs, and was only just chugging along. So when Pinnacle helped replace it, I was able to give my old one to my younger sister, who was a Year 12 TEE student, and still sharing a PC with two other students. It wasn’t a great machine, but it was still a computer she could call her own. Also, I could now run library-specific software on my new laptop that I couldn’t before.

My mentor is an amazing woman called Robyn. Unlike most Pinnacle Mentors, Robyn is not from the same profession as me (I suppose they didn’t have any librarians listed as Pinnacle Mentors back then…), but despite that, she has been an amazing life coach, mentor, sounding board, and friend. I really cherish everything she has done from me. Around once a month, she picks me up, and we go for a coffee or a meal somewhere, and just talk. Everything from queer politics, to my uni course, to my love life. I also have learnt a lot about queer history from her. This year, she took me to the International Women’s Day Breakfast. Also, when I thought I had to move house, she offered to help me look. When I bought a new bookcase, she drove out with me to pick it up, so I could save money on delivery. And anyway she can see an opportunity to help me, she does. It has been amazing, and I hope to continue our friendship long after our formal Pinnacle Mentorship relationship has ended,

Pinnacle are also helping me attend a number of conferences, relevant to my profession and interest. Last year, they paid for my rego for the 5th New Librarians Symposium, held in Perth. Next month, I am going to Adelaide for the Children’s Book Council Biannual. And, should my paper get accepted, The Pinnacle Foundation have agreed to help me partially fund a trip to Amsterdam in August, for the International Conference on the Future of LGBTI Histories, in Archives, Libraries, Museums and Special Collections!

We are expected to be pro-active in supporting the Foundation though. Last year, I attended the annual Queer Collaborations conference for Australian students, which Curtin hosted. There, another Pinnacle scholar, Veronica, did a presentation on the Foundation, and handed out info of applying for scholarships, with myself and Iz supporting her. We were actively advertising Pinnacle throughout the conference. More than one person at that workshop is now a Pinnacle Scholar.

Above all, it has changed my life. I can never thank enough the donors, and the volunteers, for everything they have done for me, and for making the Pinnacle Foundation what it is. 

By Suzie Day - you can follow Suzie's own blog at www.cataloguethis.com/

 

Photos in My Window

My name is Ashleigh and this is a photo of my bedroom window.

One day I will become a radiographer, and then maybe another day I will become qualified in MRI or CT imaging. My partner is not the biggest fan of using the windows to display pictures of bones of people she doesn’t know, but for the most part she puts up with them because they remind me that the light at the end of the tunnel is a degree, a job and being able to do something I love every day. 

I took these radiographs during my very first clinical placement in 2010.  My favourite is the smaller one on the left window, an AP PEG open-mouth image. At the time, these images were a source of pride, a reminder that I could do just as well as anyone else who was doing the same course as me. A reminder that I had achieved just as much, if not more then those students who had a comfy bed to sleep in, financial and emotional support and enough food during these five weeks of unpaid placement. I slept on the floor of a friends place for the 5 weeks and ate rice for every meal, but I did well enough in my placement for me to feel proud of myself.

At the end of 2011, Pinnacle came into my life when I was working 6 days a week, although often for 14 days or more in a row. It took me a year to recover financially from the placement, and Pinnacle entered my life at a time when I was about to give up on my education, and focus on just being able to afford the rent and food in the same week.

I was teetering on the edge of living my greatest fear -  that I will just ‘get by’ in life. That I will end up ‘just’ waitressing everyday for the rest of my life, ‘just’ making rent, ‘just’ making it. That I will plod through life, doing something that disintegrates my enthusiasm, kills my brain cells, and refuses to allow me the opportunity to hope and dream of bigger and better things.

Pinnacle has seemingly scooped me up from the floor, dusted me off, handed me some hope and given me a gentle shove back in the right direction. They have patched up some holes where my self-esteem obviously fell out, and are doing their damnedest to make sure that my potential stays firmly in my pocket, and doesn’t self-destruct in a moment of panic. Pinnacle has given me gifts that most students take for granted; encouragement, support, confidence, hope, financial stability and the ability to believe in myself.

By Ashleigh Scriven