Growing up I had a pretty bleak view of my future as a gay man. The world, as I saw it, was one filled with hate, intolerance and death. For those in the LGBT community, these three things seemed to me, to be not only inevitable, but also certain. Despite my large and supportive group of friends and the high marks I received in school, I thought that no one (especially not my family) would ever accept or love me once they knew who I was.
How very wrong I was.
Coming out for me was one of the most loving and incredible experiences of my life and in what seemed like no time at all, I had almost all of my friends and family standing strong by my side. This love gave me an incredible strength and confidence to face the world outside of the one I knew; the one that glitters and dazzles, the ‘gay’ world. Completely out of my comfort zone, I threw myself into every event, club and march possible, desperate to understand and experience a part of myself I had hidden and denied for so long. However, as the novelty of this new world slowly began to fade I found myself longing for more.
Once again my education became my focus and with my renewed passion for the LGBT community I began the second year of my degree in education as an out and proud gay man, determined to make a difference in the lives of LGBT teachers and youth. Unlike my first time coming out, I found the academic community lacking in support and an absence of LGBT peers, who like me strived to make the world a better place. Once again, I felt alone and the hope I once felt for not only my own future, but also others like me slowly began to dissipate.
Now that I have found The Pinnacle Foundation and met my fellow scholars that hope has come back with a force that I haven’t felt since my 80 year old Nanna, held my hand, looked me in my eyes and said (in her very broken English) that she would always love me, no matter who I chose to love. To the foundation I say thank you for your incredibly kind support and unwavering passion for education. To my fellow scholars I say thank you for giving me back my hope for not only my future but for the future of all kids, whether they be LGBT or not. If your passion, commitment and dedication to your careers are any indication for the future of equality in all areas of this country, there is no reason for I or any other LGBT youth to ever feel hopeless again.
For my first blog post, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Nathan Li. I’m 6’0” and 154 lbs. I’m a 21 years old undergraduate Arts/Law student at Sydney University. Oh and I’m gay.
But you expected that right?
Expectations. We all know what that word means. Semantically at least. At Christmas we expect presents. When our pet goldfish dies we’re expected to be sad. When a lady is pregnant, she is said to be expecting. Expectations mean that something is supposed to be.
But expectations mean something quite different in the context of a person’s identity. Expectations may start to become a form of prejudice, especially in the form of “oh but you’re supposed to…” conform to some expectation of theirs.
Luckily (perhaps), I escape with little more than accusations about a gay man’s sexual promiscuity. I now take in good humour when a straight guy assumes that I “I want a piece of [him]”. He’s not homophobic! (says he). After all, he shows his tolerance by allowing me to “look, but don’t touch”. How awfully generous. But there are those in our LGBT community who are confronted with much more offensive expectations about their sexual or gender identities.
And these expectations confront LGBT youth from a very early age. As a child we’re expected to be a good boy or a good girl. Maybe we’re expected to play sport (I was expected to learn maths and play the piano, neither of which I accomplished). Later we are told we’re expected to bring home a nice person of the opposite sex for our parents’ approval before we marry him or her so that we can bear grandchildren for our ageing mother. And we risk disappointing those expectations. Well, I’ve disappointed my mother on three accounts already. I only hope that she’ll realise I won’t necessarily disappoint her on the fourth!
So I might have been blessed with some miraculous confidence in my identity (or more likely, some extraordinary rebelliousness!) to resist being moulded into a Stepford son. The unfortunate truth is that not every young LGBT person can claim to be so lucky. I don’t pretend to have extensive knowledge in psychology but one only needs to possess common experience to know that these expectations can confine and inhibit the development of a person’s identity.
But why do I make such a big deal about expectations?
The foremost reason is because I believe the world would be a better place if we started expecting the best in everybody instead of expecting others to conform to what we think should be.
The second reason is because I reckon we’re a diverse bunch (the Pinnacle scholars and the rest of the LGBT community). So I’m looking forward to learning from my fellow scholars and finding out from them new ways of seeing the world. Expect from us the unexpected!
Anyway I’ve taken enough of your time. I’ll sign off now and leave you to have a wonderful weekend.
