Expectations- Part I

I’ve been through a lot of difficult situations in my life. The death of my mother, an abusive upbringing, bullying at school, leaving home at 16, and living as a transguy. None of those experiences prepared me for the emotional roller coaster I would experience upon entering college.

I planned, prepared for and looked forward to university with infallible optimism. The fact that I was about to put 500km between myself and my partner of 6 months didn’t even dent it, that's how excited I was. My imagined scenarios of being challenged about my gender and sexuality always ended with me winning and other people feeling foolish. I was sure that I would study hard and find everything interesting and surely succeed in the end.

Someone recently said to me that after your first year at university, the way you see the social world will totally change. I absolutely believe them. When you’re in high school, you feel like everyone is looking at you, and you’re right. The world is small, there are rules and expectations, and you can plan your path with near precision. When you start uni, you feel like there are even more people looking at you, when in reality, they probably haven’t even noticed you exist (unless you do something really fantastic or really terrible). The world is very, very big, rules and expectations are relative and arbitrary, and forget about planning. With one point of view, this can be really scary. With another, it can be freeing.



I’ll tell you, at first, I found it really scary, and I still do, a fair bit. I’ve been feeling incredibly self conscious. I’ve been feeling like everyone thinks I’m a lesbian and I’ve been pretty antisocial towards actual lesbians who have been nice to me, as well as everyone else in general. Now, being a lesbian is far from a bad thing, but the fact is that I’m not one. The assumption that I identify as, and am attracted to women, when I’m the polar opposite is painful. As a result, the way I have felt and acted has been very defensive, sitting alone, not talking to people, and not making eye contact, for fear of being accused of being someone I’m not or doing something I wouldn’t do.

My other issue with university is college life. The whole messy, noisy, drunken, smelly rabble of college life. I’ll be honest- its really not my thing, but its pretty much my only option at the moment. I’ve had plenty of clashes with other people over how much noise they’re making when I’m trying to sleep or study, the fact that there is often vomit and urine in really inappropriate places, the amount of rubbish in the common rooms and the stench in the communal facilities. None of those clashes have been particularly productive, and I’ve been left feeling angry, disappointed, disgusted, and sometimes plain miserable.

So these two issues are what I have been faced with. Don’t think for a moment that I’m overcome by them though. The last few days have been a bit of a turning point. After a long, tough Wednesday night, I returned to the Pinnacle Foundation page, and found the post where I had been introduced, with my photo and the blurb about what the support of the Pinnacle foundation meant to me. The last sentence I wrote was: “Having the Pinnacle Foundation behind me this year will boost my confidence and resolve to achieve great things and give back to the community in the future”, and that was what struck me. Yes, college has its downs. It has ups too. That’s irrelevant to the fact that I am here to achieve great things, for myself, for the world, to show my appreciation to the people sponsoring me and to even act as a role model for up and coming scholars and other young people in my situation.

Its easy to feel like the smallest thing on the face of the earth, but the fact is, as a Pinnacle scholar, I’ve been put before the public eye and I need to remember that. Not in terms of inhibiting what I do, but as a boost of confidence and motivation to stay strong and positive, and deal with problems instead of just complaining about them. Sometimes I will just need to put up with things, sometimes I’ll need to try to solve problems patiently and positively, but no good will come of being negative.

My issue with how other people are looking at me, and feeling like I’m perceived as a lesbian, is something my mentor is helping me with. I talked to him about this today, and he explained to me that I should try expecting nothing, and accepting everything- that is, to stop judging the looks other people are giving me as nasty, and be open to the fact that maybe they’re just curious about me, or even want to be friends. I haven’t really had a chance to try that yet. That’s why the title of this post is succeeded by ‘Part I’- I don’t know how it will go, but I’ll let you know.

By Ashton Brenton

Hospital Discriminates and Fighting Back

I go back to study next week. Unfortunately I haven’t had my hysterectomy yet, despite being on the public waiting list for over 90 days. My abnormal medical condition has gotten worse over the last year. It was irregular heavy bleeding and when I say irregular I mean it could be bleeding weekly to every few months ranging from a few hours of bleeding to even 3 months of constant bleeding.

That is still happening except the bleeding has become heavier over time. This year I am now getting severe abdominal pain which has required several emergency department admissions and strong prescription medication such as panadine forte and endone. I don’t like these medications as they make me confused, dizzy and sleepy which interferes with daily activities that I need to concentrate on as well as have balance for activities such as study, driving and going to the gym.

There is not only the physical pain that I have been through but also emotional torment by being a man with such a humiliating medical condition involving female reproductive organs. It has been very embarrassing having to out myself as trans* in such a way in emergency departments in front of confused triage nurses and members of the general public listening in.

The good news is that I am on the waiting list to have a hysterectomy done publically to fix my pain and bleeding. I am also perusing my options into suing a hospital who refused to help me because I have transitioned from female to male (which I have in writing).

My doctor who has exhausted all non-surgical options to treat my condition for over five years was furious that his medical recommendations were ignored by a senior management who haven’t even met me and refuse to name themselves. He was shocked that the senior management went against the medical professionals who recommended this procedure and that they are fine with letting me suffer in pain and lose large amounts of blood just because I am transsexual.

The fact that I have legal options means not only a lot to me but also to the trans* and trans ally community. In fighting back against this hospital we are saying that discrimination is no excuse to refuse medical treatment. I want them to know that there are costly consequences for discrimination in hope that policy will change so this does not happen to others. We are standing up for ourselves and refusing to be oppressed.

Breaking Family Traditions and Excelling

The semester is almost over and I’ve almost finished my assignment on ‘The Modern Nation State’. Although it may seem like a dry topic, I’m surprised how much I have personally learned from this assignment and how far my education has come. We had to read many academic texts with some about tradition to do this assignment, and it taught me a lot about my family and upbringing. My grandfather is very old fashioned German man. He is very controlling and the family treats him like a god. In this assignment, I learned about the ‘web of belief’ where figures that view themselves as authority or are born into it, get away with having their authority rarely if ever questioned.

This helped me to understand why he had such a problem with me. He assumed that I would drop out of high school and become pregnant at 16 and be on the pension just like my mother. I completely rebelled against him and became the opposite which was naturally who I am. I completed my year 12 VCE even while living in a refuge and have never even had sex with a man because I have never been attracted to them! Also as I identify as a man, I have never had any desire to ever carry a baby and am also on the waiting list to have a hysterectomy in the next month or so for health concerns.

He told me I would never go to university and I would never have a laptop because those things were for rich and smart people. While I am no where near rich, I am the only person in my family to pass year 12 VCE and go on to do a diploma. I am also getting an average of distinctions and next year will start my Bachelor of Psychology. I also have my very first laptop thanks to the Pinnacle Foundation and have completely smashed all of my grandfather’s wrong assumptions of me.

In being who I am, it gives hope to others who come from low incomes and uneducated controlling families. I hope that one day; my younger siblings will break free of these destructive traditional patterns and become all they can. I am proof that others can rebel against families who assume low of them and reach their full potential in not only their education but also in life.

Four months after chest operation & closer to the man I identify as.

By Anonymous

My Trans Man Journey

*Note: this blog contains a post-surgery photo*

Let me take this opportunity to introduce myself. I’m 21 years old and a peer support worker in the mental health sector. There is no career that I want to do other than to be a psychologist. I find mental health interesting and I want to do all that I can to help others. I’m also a male who was born female bodied. Since starting testosterone a couple of years ago, people I meet would never guess that I wasn’t born male bodied.

I was awarded a Pinnacle scholarship in late 2011. It couldn’t have come at a better time. At that point in my life, I was saving every bit of money that I could for my chest corrective surgery. I dreaded puberty since I first heard about what was going to happen to my body. I cringed at the thought of bleeding monthly and was terrified that my chest would grow into something that wasn’t me. I convinced myself that it wouldn’t happen because it wasn’t supposed to. But unfortunately my body betrayed me.

I used to wear 3 t shirts, a jumper and a jacket to hide my chest. I was so ashamed of it. Then when I heard about binders (which are garments that compress the chest really tight), I got one. It made my chest flat and I was less ashamed of it. But when I started taking testosterone, my voice broke and I started growing lots of body hair. It felt even more like my chest didn’t belong even when binding. Binding was very painful and I felt jealous that I couldn’t take my shirt off at the beach like every other guy could.

It all built up on me and I needed to have my chest corrected. I looked at my options. I didn’t have $7,000 to pay for the surgery and I didn’t have a job or any family support. My only option was to get health insurance, wait the compulsory year on it which I thought would be enough time to save up a few thousand dollars to pay for the surgery. The wait and having no money was unbearable. I become very depressed but I pushed through because I kept imagining how great it would feel to have the right chest. It ended up costing a total of $4,140. I realised that I wouldn’t be able to come up with the money in time for payment so I held a fundraiser and I ended coming up with the money through that and donations from friends.

The surgery was a complete success and the surgeon said it couldn’t have gone better. It was such a relief to hear that all the time I spent in the gym preparing my body for it and all the time I spent broke worked out. When I saw my chest for the first time, I hadn’t smiled that big in a long time.